Man-batacle

I give up. I quit. I’m taking a man-batacle (a term wittily coined by a friend and colleague who ended up in the same fed-up place as me several months ago).

Maybe there isn’t actually a lid for every pot, as the saying goes. Maybe some people are just meant to live out their lives a little differently, alone and available for others to lean on, hang out with, call on for babysitting.

Maybe my purpose in life is just to be the best babysitter and auntie on this side of the Atlantic!

All I know for sure is that there’s only so much disappointment that one gal can take.

My most recent dating fiasco, the one that has prompted this all-systems-shutdown reaction, was confusing and disappointing beyond belief and clearly I didn’t come equipped with the correct decoder to make sense of the strange man-haviour.

Our first date was a coffee date and we hit it off immediately. He was funny, smart and even a little bit dorky: all good signs.

Since it was Canada Day, we then took our date to my apartment’s rooftop patio where we sat on a bench and watched fireworks in the neighbourhood. We chatted and laughed some more and then he started to become a little intense. He was gushing all over me and couldn’t stop telling me how beautiful and amazing I was (not the worst thing to have to endure!) and soon got on to the topic of marriage. I thought this was a bit much for the first date, but decided to let it go and just enjoy the moment.

Our second date started off slow ( I guess I was a little weirded out by the intensity of the first one and wanted to be cautious), but it ended off well with some ice cream, a wander through Yorkville and then a nice goodbye kiss.

Over the next few days he was away for work but he called every day and we talked for several hours at a time. I had so much fun talking to him and actually started to think he might be someone I could get serious about.

He became more and more intense during these conversations, talking about marriage and about how perfect I was for him and how beautiful, wonderful and amazing I am.

I kept telling myself just to enjoy the kind words and not get freaked out. But I started feeling concerned when the conversations took a turn and he began to focus on sex, talking only about how much he wanted to sleep with me. At first I just laughed it off but then it started to bother me.

When he returned we went on another date, a movie date, and he was still very intense. He held and kissed my hand throughout the movie, had his arms around me constantly, and stared lovingly into my eyes when we went for a drink afterward. I felt a bit uncomfortable but still decided to let it go. This is what I want right? A guy who really likes me, not some cool jerk who can’t express himself.

Our fourth date was where it all came crashing down.

It was a Thursday night and we hadn’t made plans to get together, he had a class and I had an appointment. However, he called around 10 p.m. and asked if he could come and see me. Up until this point we hadn’t had any ‘at-home’ dates even though he’d been pushing for it since date #1. But I’d wanted to hold off on the inevitable for as long as possible.

I gave in at this point and told him he could come over and hang out.

I kind of stupidly assumed we’d actually be hanging out.

But from the moment he walked in the door he was all over me. I laid some ground rules which he didn’t really pay much attention to. He was pushy and aggressive and it all ended with me having to push him off me and say “Stop!” three times.

I wasn’t so impressed but still, in between the pushy parts, he was sweet, complimentary and caring. Or so it seemed.

When he was leaving he told me he’d call me Monday (he was going to be away for the weekend but I wasn’t sure why that meant we wouldn’t talk for the next four days, it didn’t seem to be an issue the last time he went away).  

Still giving him the benefit of the doubt, I texted him the next morning to say have a good day and ask what time he’d be leaving. He was very abrupt and curt in his response.

Finally I texted saying, “Okay, have a good weekend, talk to you soon” but got no response.

In fact, I haven’t heard from him since.

And so my man-batacle begins. 

What does that mean exactly, you might be asking?

I'm not sure yet, but basically all I know is that I intend to live my life man-free until further notice.

On Being Picky

I’ve become more discriminating in my dating choices.

In the past I’ve made the mistake of dating or being in a relationship with someone just because they like me. Or even more so: he’s cute and he likes me?!! I’ve wanted a boyfriend, or wanted something to just work out, so I’ve stuck with it even when it’s not the best match.

I don’t know what’s changed, maybe it’s the (somewhat) perkier weather or just that I’m tired of making all the wrong choices, but lately I’ve allowed myself to be picky and truly make the effort to find someone who’s right for me.

Last week for example, I went on an online date. In his profile and pictures he seemed attractive, successful, intelligent, athletic and so on. But like I’ve mentioned before, everything on paper goes out the window when you actually meet.

With this guy, I’d had a couple of indications that he may be a certain type that I’m not all that interested in – I won’t get into details – but when we met,  my concerns were verified. Still, he was attractive, athletic, intelligent and successful, but I felt right away he just wasn’t for me.

Oftentimes I’ve waited for the guy’s decision on whether or not things would move forward, but this time would be different.

We ended the meeting with a quick hug, neither of us offering a: “Give me a call” or “Let’s go out again sometime.” It just ended.

After some thought and a glass or two of wine later that evening, I emailed him to say ‘it was nice meeting you, I don’t think there was a romantic connection, but you seemed like a really great person and good luck in your search’.  He responded with a curt: “Nice meeting you too. You seemed nice. Take care.”

I was left wondering whether he’d felt the same way as I’d suspected, or if he’d been interested but was hurt by my rejection.  However I forced myself to instead of wondering how he felt, decide on my own how I felt. Something I haven’t given myself a chance to do in the past.

Some people might say the reason I’m still single is because I’m too picky. I would have to disagree though and say that the reason I’m still single is I haven’t been picky enough.

I’ve spent weeks, months, even years in relationships that weren’t really going anywhere from the beginning; denying myself the chance to meet someone who actually could be ‘the one’, or one of ‘the ones’ at least!

At the end of my last relationship, when I was clouded by sorrow and disappointment, good friends pointed out the age-old sentiment that it’s better to be happy on your own than unhappy with the wrong person. At the time I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to be single again; it seemed a fate worse than death.

Now that I’ve dug myself out of the depths of despair and am content living life again, all on my own, I believe the sentiment to be true.

Why settle for something that isn’t great?

Street Meet

I would like to meet someone on the street.

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve walked past someone who I think is cute or looks interesting, maybe we look at eachother, exchange a smile or a bashful look and then we carry on.

It’s hard to meet someone in such a fast-paced city and Toronto has a culture of anonymity. Everyone goes about their own business and tries to avoid everyone else, because there are just too many people. It’s too busy and if you took the time to say hi or chat with too many people, you’d never make it to your destination. Also, the destinations are generally so spread apart that people have no choice but to be in a hurry, else they be late.

I used to have bad feelings about Toronto because it always seemed so impersonal and unfriendly, but unfortunately, I think that the busyness has just become the culture of the city. People just don’t have time to stop and exchange niceties. It’s not that they don’t want to it’s just not what we do.

I lived in Halifax, Nova Scotia for a few years and the vibe was the complete opposite. People chatted on the elevator, in the store, on the street. It was chattyville.

It was nice, but just to an extent. In some ways you felt like you never had your privacy and being a Torontonian, that was difficult. It was exciting and new at first and felt so warm and welcoming, but after a while it kind of got on my nerves. In Toronto, we ignore eachother and I like that. However, when there’s an emergency or someone needs help, I think Torontonians are quick to step up. I don’t actually think they’re rude or inconsiderate at all; I think they’re a bunch of really nice people who are living their own separate lives and mind their own business but when someone needs help, they’ll be there.

Anyway, I digress.

The point is, when living in a city such as this, it’s difficult to just meet people. Sometimes I wish it was easier or more part of the culture to just start talking to people.

Maybe I should start a revolution and just start asking people out.  Sometimes I see someone cute or interesting on the street and I wonder, quietly to myself, what would happen if I just went up to him and said: “Hi, how are you?”

Here’s what would happen: he would think I was crazy.

It’s unfortunate though.

Sometimes I think that you can get more from a person in the five seconds you spend walking past them on the street and giving them a shy smile than spending 20 minutes reading their online dating profile.

*(Oh, and just in case you were wondering, I won’t glaze over what happened with the last guy………….as I expected nothing really changed. He still didn’t want a real relationship or a future with me or a family etc. etc. etc., so that was the end of that. No hard feelings. We just wanted different things. And The Dating Project continues!)

The trouble with middle-aged dating

I’ve been grappling this week with how to approach the next installment of my singleness/dating project.

It’s time for me to come clean you see.

Since the beginning of this endeavour, I haven’t been completely forthright about my singleness status………per se.

There’s been someone in my life.

However, the relationship has been so casual and intermittent that I haven’t actually considered it to be a relationship. It’s been an FWB (friends with benefits) situation, if I can be so crass.

He’s someone I’ve known for years and there’s a close connection with friends – which is why it’s been tricky to navigate and define.

His best friend is married to my best friend.

You can’t get much closer than that. So the difficulty lies in the fact that if it doesn’t work out, we’ve messed things up for more than just ourselves.

I think everyone’s nervous about the outcome of this one………………….

As we’ve been ‘hanging out’ however, we’ve both realized that our feelings have grown maybe a bit beyond the FWB status.

And more recently, I’ve started bringing up thoughts about the future and what we’re both looking for. The trouble is that I seem to be a little clearer about what I want: a committed relationship, eventually leading to children and a family.

He, on the other hand, is not so clear and gets nervous when I bring up the topic. It’s not that he definitively doesn’t want children, he just can’t say that he definitively does. So where do we go from there? He knows what I want and respects that, but is afraid he may eventually disappoint me in that department and as I’ve said before, I’m not getting any younger.

With that information in hand, I set out on a mission to meet other people, which is where the last guy comes in……………….

And although I’d told dater No. 1 I was planning to meet other people, when he realized I was actually following through, he wasn’t so keen on the idea. It was easy for him to slip back in because the feelings and attraction were already established.

But the problem isn’t solved yet because life doesn’t always follow the script of our favourite rom-coms. In the movies, the guy finally realizes how stupid he’s been and wins back the leading lady, usually Jennifer Aniston, with some romantic gesture. The final scene is a mixture of kissing and crying and the assumption that everyone lives happily ever after.

In real life, there may be the same romantic finale, but then the story continues and it doesn’t always end with ‘happily ever after’.  Actually, more often than not, the two probably break up again a week later when they realize that nothing has actually changed from before and a real relationship is not about one superbly romantic moment after another.

So, the saga continues and so does the dilemma.

Dating at this age is a difficult process. On the one hand, you don’t want to go into a relationship pushing for holy matrimony and a bevy of bouncing babies. What guy is not going to run, as fast as he can, away from that girl? And rightly so; a relationship needs time to grow and develop and for feelings to emerge.

But on the other hand, time keeps ticking, relentlessly, away.

It’s a double-edged sword in which there’s no real ‘Winning’ as someone we all know and love would put it. Like life in general, dating is just a series of tricky choices in the hopes that you will eventually find the answer.

The Dating Project

Okay, so I’m not sure if any of you have noticed, but the tone of my blog has changed.

It started off a place to celebrate singleness.

My objective was not to whine and complain about the misery of being single or to lambaste prospective suitors after dates-gone-wrong. I wanted to be different; I wanted to be positive about singletude and say that it’s okay to be alone.

What’s changed though, is that when I started I wasn’t ready to be unalone (I know that’s not a word!) But now I am. Indeed I find myself wandering into the danger zone. So my posts can go one of two ways: here’s what happened on my last worst date or; I just wish I had someone to love and I’m so lonely.

I’m not comfortable with either option so it’s time, my faithful readers – all nine of you – for the evolution of the Singleness Project.

As with life, everything changes and evolves and so must this blog. I’m afraid I’ll have to proceed with a proper renaming to the Dating Project. Yes, that’s right my friends. I am now dating!

If all goes well my hopes are that it will further evolve into the Relationship Project, and finally, the Marriage Project.

I’m aware that it’s very 1962 to be a woman looking for marriage, but why is it such a terrible thing?  We are social animals who crave intimate connection with one another and despite the fact I didn’t have the best role models for marriage growing up, or maybe in spite of that fact, I long for a true partnership of my own. Someone to have my back, love me even when I’m acting like an ass, and think I’m cute when my hair’s frizzy and my butt looks big in those jeans!

That’s what it’s all about isn’t it?

I won’t bore you any longer with the philosophizing and get right on to the dating.

Today I went on a second date with an online match. It was probably one of the best second dates I’ve ever been on and I have to be careful saying this because he knows my blog address and has been reading every installment! Anyway, what made it great was that I felt so comfortable. We talked and laughed and both agreed on how inappropriate but funny it would be to call our kids Jamal and Shanniqua (he’s asian, I’m a white chick:). We didn’t talk about much, but talked about lots of things at the same time. I felt relaxed, he was sweet and kind and funny and surprisingly, seemed like he might be interested in a…………….dare I say it………………..relationship.

That’s my first installment of the Dating Project.

I will let you know how things go. I’ll try not to be malicious or unkind, too judgmental or critical. My intention is not to negate every suitor or critique every awkward moment. My hope is to truly Keep the Dream Alive.

I’m not an NHL player hoping to win the Stanley Cup or a mountain climber wishing to scale Kilimanjaro. My single, tiny, and solitary dream, is just to find someone to rub my back when it’s sore, tell me I’m good when I feel bad and share the toilet paper with...............

My new man

It’s true friends, I’ve found a new man!

His name is Frank and I met him in Victoria.

He’s committed, faithful and always there when I need a shoulder to lean on.

Frank is solid through and through. He offers support when I need it and is never judgmental. He’s happy and positive and always has a smile on his face. Frank is sturdy and strong; he let’s things roll over him and never gets flustered. When I’m upset he’s there to listen and be my friend and confidante.

Frank is my rock.

                                          Frank and I at the river.........................

                                         Talking about our future together........

                                  Him agreeing that he should do most of the household chores......

                                         A tender moment.

                                         Our first fight!

                We made up; he shed a few tears but agreed that I was right in the end.

Beautiful Victoria.........Part Deux

It seems I spoke too soon. The sun is out and shining and I'm heading out to soak in the glorious rays!

Sorry Victoria..........my judgement was too harsh.

Beautiful Victoria

I’ve chosen the greyest, rainiest part of the continent to enjoy for a few days over my March Break: Victoria, B.C.

Well, I’m actually here to visit an old friend who’s living with her boyfriend for a year while he completes his Master’s degree.

I’m also here just for a little retreat and because I’ve never been to Victoria before and always heard how beautiful it is and it’s true, it’s a lovely little city. But it literally has not stopped raining since I arrived four days ago.

The funny thing is people here seem oblivious to it.

While walking home from a hot yoga class with my friend last night – which by the way was terrible and I’ll never do again; the hot part was ridiculous, I hated it and left before the class was even finished – anyway while we were walking home, a pretty good rain set in. It was the kind of rain that people in Toronto would flip open their umbrellas for, run indoors for, but I followed my friend’s lead and she had almost no reaction. We both put up our hoodies, but that was about it. I guess you just have to get used to being wet around here.

I’ve also asked several people – servers, cashiers, another friend – if it’s always like this in Victoria and they’ve all given me vague looks and nodded saying, “Pretty much” as though they’re not really sure what I’m talking about.

Then, just as soon as I thought nobody else was even noticing the rain, the other day when it started coming down a little harder, I popped into a store and everyone was suddenly commenting: “It’s really coming down out there!”, or “Oh no, is it raining out there?”

Um, yeah, it’s raining out there.

Last night while my friend and I were sitting in her apartment, trying to come up with a plan for the next couple of days, she said: “Let’s check the weather forecast for tomorrow, maybe we can go for a bike ride!”

Even before the screen popped up, I knew what it was going to show, but she seemed somehow surprised.

“Oh no, it’s going to rain!” she said, disappointed.

                                        

 

Multi-task dating: An advice column question in the paper recently got me thinking about how much of a passive dater I’ve been throughout my dating career.

I’ve never been one to date around or date more than one guy at the same time. The idea has always made me feel a little uncomfortable like it’s a moral issue and dating more than one guy somehow makes me a bad person.

But I’ve been re-thinking this notion a bit lately, because, why not multi-task with dating as with everything else in life? I’ve also been inspired by my friend from my last post who is happily dating a couple of guys at once and I certainly don’t think poorly of her. In fact she’s a great person and I say good for her!

The question in the paper came from a young woman who’s been dating two guys but she doesn’t like playing the field; she’d prefer to settle down. She explained that one of the guys is kind and responsible but “kind of boring” while the other is fun and exciting but “kind of irresponsible”. The advice columnist told her exactly what I was thinking: She shouldn’t give up looking just because she’s getting tired of dating. She said she’ll know when she’s found the right person or when she’s found love because she won’t have to describe them as “kind of boring”. Maybe she needs to keep looking and dating around.

So why shouldn’t I date more than one person? In fact, that’s probably what I’ve been doing wrong all along. I can think of a few times when I’ve gotten into a relationship, fast and furiously, maybe more based on physical attraction, only to discover six months or a year in that the person is missing some key qualities that are important to me. 

On the other hand, I’m reading a book right now that makes the case for “settling for Mr. Good Enough”. The author, a 40-something woman who passed up many great but “kind of boring” guys in her 20s and 30s, now finds herself single and longing for a husband in her 40s. She wishes she could turn back time and give some of those kind-of-boring guys a chance.

How depressing. I say keep reaching for the stars, get to know lots of different people and keep your expectations realistic at least. Anyway, kind-of-boring can be kind-of-nice sometimes, at least it's better than kind-of-mean.

The dating game

I was chatting with a single friend today who’s dating two guys at the same time.

It’s not that she’s a big, two-timing  ‘ho or anything like that, she’s just trying to find the right person. After a run of online first dates where she said no, no, no with a capital “N” to each, she coincidentally met two ‘yes’s’ around the same time. She’s had about three dates with each even though she assumed she’d be able to scratch at least one by date #2. But that just wasn’t the case because she liked them both. This, if you’ve ever ventured into online dating, is something you don’t just toss away.

The most interesting aspect of the situation is that both guys have a totally different game. Dater No. 1 is cool and casual but continues to show interest with texts every few days and asking her for dates intermittently. Dater No. 2, on the other hand, is super keen and not afraid to show it.

My friend can’t figure out which approach, or which guy, she prefers.

There’s a fine line between keen and desperate and an equally fine line between laid back and non-committal. It depends on how adept each guy is at working his particular shtick.

Keen can be charming and endearing – it makes you feel good about yourself, attractive and wanted. It’s also a turn-on when a man has the courage and confidence to express how he feels, and it’s hot when a guy knows what he wants. But too eager, and especially too eager too soon, is not so cute. When a guy is all in before date No. 3 it just makes him seem insincere, and kinda creepy.

 In the same vein, laid back can be mysterious, challenging and exciting. It gives you time to figure out how you feel about them, the opportunity to get to know them more slowly over time and the space to continue to be your own person.  But if the pace doesn’t pick up after a certain number of dates the wishy-washy “Let’s see how things go” gets tired and loses its appeal.

My friend’s choice will eventually come down to how each relationship unfolds. If Mr. Keen turns into Mr. Overeager with no signs of relaxing into normalcy, he might be kicked to the curb. Conversely, if Mr. Cool doesn’t pick up his game after a certain number of dates, he could lose his chance at the final rose.

It may be in her best interest to start securing Dater No. 3…………..just in case.

Keep the dream alive

Today I found myself going over my list of 25 things that will make me a happier single, from one of my first posts: My List.

#19, Keep Dreaming and Don’t Give Up, jumped out at me.

You see my friends, keeping the dream alive is no easy feat.

I have gushed about all the glorious aspects of singlehood including free time, not having to worry about anyone else, eating grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, free time, hanging out by yourself on a Friday night, and again, free time. But in all honesty, if I haven’t already given away my cover, I would like to find “the one” , get married, have a couple of cute kiddies and live happily ever after. Isn’t that really what everyone wants deep down? Maybe not, but I know there’s probably a good reason why people keep doing it over and over again.

So it can be frustrating when life doesn’t seem to be unfolding that way.

I watch my friends carry on with their husbands,  toddlers, preschoolers and beyond and sometimes I wonder if there’s something I’ve done wrong along the way? Maybe I missed my chance at love and happiness and don’t even know it. I know I’ve made mistakes but does that mean, I wonder, that my chances are all used up?

 Sometimes it’s hard not to believe that, but for the rest of the time I try to keep the dream alive.

A good friend reminded me a few months ago when I was in the depths of self-pity over my most recent break-up, that I should never stop dreaming. In an effort to be practical about my situation, I had admitted that I thought I may never find the right person and could spend the rest of my life alone.

“Well with that attitude you will!” she admonished.

I told her I was just trying to be realistic and prepare myself for the inevitable to which she responded: “Don’t ever stop dreaming!”

Thanks for that Lor. This one’s for you!

The sentiment stuck and it’s been floating around in my head ever since. Replaying those words has gotten me through some difficult patches of late and also helped me to see more clearly what could be a bright, sunny spot in my future.

As someone who I'm sure was important once said: If we don’t have our dreams, what else is there?

Here's the skinny

I can’t believe it!

A mere two months after I finally gave in to the trend and bought myself a pair of skinny jeans – jeggings in fact – the look is kicking the bucket.

Long Live the Flared Leg- Toronto Star

Now I’m quite aware that the topic of skinny jeans is absolutely irrelevant to my being single, but I couldn’t help adding it to my postings. It’s a very important topic to me.

Besides, if we look at it in a different light, whether to go skinny or flared could seriously affect the success of a date. For reals.

First of all I’d like to say, I told you so.

Several years ago, when the skinny jean trend first came to be, a friend and I, both from the era of wide-legged jeans, carried on long and detailed chats about the topic. The skinny jean look was really just beyond our comprehension. For one thing, jeans with a tightening at the ankles and calves can’t help but make one’s butt look bigger. It’s just a matter of physics. Secondly, skinny jeans are skinny all over and can’t help but give you a muffin-top look or sausage-like midsection.

My friend and I however, kept mum on the topic. Skinny jeans were all the rage and we didn’t want to reveal our inner old ladies. We just kept quietly wearing our wide-legged jeans and refused to give in to the skinny revolution.

I felt proud to go against the grain actually because I do like fashion and like to think of myself as somewhat stylish, at times. But I’m a practical fashionista. If a style doesn’t make logical sense to me, and doesn’t seem to have longevity for practical reasons, I just won’t do it.

To me, there was nothing ever fashionably practical about skinny jeans. On really skinny girls, they looked alright, but on almost anyone else they created the look of a beanbag on a pair of toothpicks.

Flared or wide-legged jeans on the other hand, do the exact opposite. They hug the hips and butt creating curves and calling attention to the necessary areas, then widen as they reach the floor. This makes our hips and butt look smaller than they actually are, or at least they’re smaller in comparison to our ankles. Isn’t that what we all want?

This style makes a lot more sense to me. I’m pretty sure that most of us have slimmer ankles than backsides anyway so it seems like reverse logic to try and make our ankles look wafer thin and our rears, thighs and mid-sections like big sausage casings.

With flared or bootleg jeans, I don’t think we ever have to concern ourselves that someone might assume we have a skinny behind and really fat ankles.

Even if our ankles are a wee bit on the thicker side, wide-legged pants will cover that up too. It’s a win-win situation.

The only thing I have to do now is figure out what to do with my newish skinny jeans. But actually, since I never really wore them as jeans and used them more as a legging with boots and a long top or sweater, maybe it’s okay.

In the final analysis, if the question is skinny or wide, my vote is go wide or go home.

(Photos courtesy of the Toronto Star: Long live the flared leg)

Maybe all the good men are right here

 I may have just discovered an untapped man-market ladies.

I met a guy recently who could best be described as the male of version of a woman whose clock is ticking.

It was almost surreal to come across a man so desperate to be married and have children. You don’t find that very often.

At first the meeting was polite and cordial but quickly turned into a bit of an interrogation. In just an hour-long  date we covered topics ranging from past relationships and why they didn’t work, to what we’re looking for in a mate and when we hoped to have our first children.

At one point, he even said that he wasn’t looking for anything special, just a “reasonably healthy” and “decent” girl to have a family with.

After chatting with him for a while, it dawned on me that part of his difficulty is that he’s foreign. Although he’s lived in Toronto for about 15 years, he still has a thick Persian (which I discovered means Iranian……!) accent. I asked him if there were any Iranian social groups in the city where he might find someone from his culture, but he said that he’s intent on coupling up with a “Canadian” girl. He feels it’s important for his integration into Canadian society, to be with a Canadian woman. And I have to say, I respect him for this but I feel badly for him at the same time.

He said it’s hard to make friends and meet women as an immigrant to Canada.

Canadians, or maybe more specifically, Torontonians, he said, are very closed and conservative, sticking to their own groups.

I can see this because I know that I stick to my own group, however unintentionally, even though I like to think of myself as open-minded, accepting and worldly. Unfortunately, as soon as I discovered that my date was not “Canadian” I wasn’t all that interested anymore. I don’t know why, and I’ve been pondering this a lot over the past few days.

My date insisted, which was surprising to me and something I don’t think I’ve ever heard before, that there are more men than women in Toronto; about 15 single guys to every single female in the city, was his estimation.

There are so many new Canadians who come to live and work in Toronto, he said, and the majority of them are men. This is why it’s difficult for a guy like him to meet and marry a Canadian woman, he said.

It’s all about supply and demand, you see.

My new friend has a low supply of women, which makes him eager to put a ring on any decently-shaped finger he comes across. As for the guys we tend to want to date and be attracted to, the opposite is true: they have women lining up around the corner for them which, through no fault of their own, forces them to keep looking for the next best thing. There’s always another one waiting in the wings.

So maybe it’s time for us single girls to broaden our horizons. If there truly are 15 guys for every woman in the city, as my Iranian prince insisted, the dating world is our oyster! We may just have to re-think what we’re looking for and give “Mr. Right” in our mind’s eye, a bit of a makeover.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I won’t be going out with him again.

I just wasn’t all that interested…………

The bar hook-up: Memories of yesteryear

Does anyone ever meet the old fashioned way anymore? In a bar?

I pondered this question as I got ready to go out last night for a drink with a couple of girlfriends (I know, I said I like spending Friday nights alone, but a couple of pints with great friends is even better!)

Anyway, although I was putting in my best effort to look nice, I knew it was really only for myself; I wasn’t going to be coming home with any new digits scrawled across my arm.

In my late teens and early twenties it was exciting getting ready to go out on a Friday or Saturday night because you never knew who you might run into.

In fact, some of my best relationships spawned from a bar hook-up:

My first love and first major heartbreak – swept me off my feet with some lame pick-up line……..at a bar.

The one who I came closest to marriage with – spotted eachother across the crowded patio………at a bar.

In those days the general consensus was that it was tacky or even – for lack of a better word – slutty to meet someone in a bar. Nowadays, there’s a romantic simplicity to the idea.

Going out last night I knew there would probably be some single, available guys hanging around, just as there would be single, available girls. I also knew that we’d all stick to our own groups, chatting and laughing quietly with eachother, only to return home alone and check our online dating profiles.

Maybe this is all just showing my age and younger singles still do meet in bars. I don’t know because I’m so rarely part of that scene anymore. But personally, I think it’s time to go back to good old bar hook-ups.

You can figure out just as much or more about a person simply by hanging out with them, drunk at a bar for a few hours, as you can by online “dating” them for three weeks! From my experience with online dating, it doesn’t matter how much you like the person’s photos and think you’ve forged a connection, all that can change in an instant when you come face to face. With online dating, no matter how much information you’re able to glean from a dating profile and email chats, there’s no way of knowing how they carry themselves, what their voice sounds like or whether they have an offensive odour until they’re right there in front of you.

It doesn’t matter how much you think you “cyber” like the person, all that matters is how you feel on that first meeting.

It’s also crossed my mind that while online dating opens up our social circles and brings us in contact with people whom we never would have met otherwise, maybe there’s a reason we never would have met them.

And maybe it should stay that way.

Down with V-day

I have to admit, I haven’t been overly enthused about being single this week. Which is probably why I haven’t had much to say on the matter.

Valentine’s Day and Valentine’s week, to be honest, have been a bit of a downer.

I know I’m supposed to stay upbeat and positive about singleness and how it’s not so bad, but this week made it challenging.

It dawned on me, however, as I talked to a “coupled” friend the other day, that Valentine’s Day is not really about true love at all.

I was surprised by the number of married or coupled friends I spoke to the day after, who admitted they didn’t do anything with their loved ones on the big day. Many of them said they don’t really believe in V-day or they don’t celebrate it because they try to let their loved ones know they’re loved during the other 364 days of the year. Most of them scoffed at the question and admitted they don’t think much of the occasion at all.

So who is Valentine’s Day really for?

Leading up to the day, I read countless articles about how to “survive” Valentine’s Day. These were mostly aimed at singles like myself who apparently need support to get through the day without slitting our wrists.

I even wrote a post about how to get through the day cheerfully. But thinking about it now, who was I kidding? I can get a massage and make myself a nice dinner any day of the week. What Valentine’s Day ended up being for me, was a day to reflect on the fact that I’m single with a bit of time leftover for re-hashing past relationship mistakes.

Not so cheery in the end.

I tried to spread the love on Valentine’s Day, made cupcakes for my students and colleagues, sent cards to immediate family and tried to think loving thoughts.

But at the end of the day, I was just pretty grumpy.

I guess that’s why some groups have taken to calling February 15^th Singles Awareness Day. I didn’t celebrate the day this year, but if I’m still single at this time next year, maybe I’ll give it a try…………

A fitting message

I think my horoscope writer for today read my last blog post:

"Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?" So said Shakespeare, who was baptized while the Sun was in Taurus, though nobody can be quite sure when he was actually born. His "love at first sight" comment comes from Romeo and Juliet, where he also coins the phrase "star-crossed lovers." Perhaps the two notions are equally mythical; more a way to compound fantasy than to reflect a reality. Not everything in your life, and your love life, has to be as definite and as instant as you may be now inclined to imagine.

Shakespeare and John Hughes had the same idea..........

No wonder we're all so confused about love and relationships!

What is love?

I have a sinking feeling that what I’ve been looking for all along, in my search for true love, is not real love at all.

Like any good girl who grew up in the 80s, I lived on a diet of John Hughes rom-coms like Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink. I clearly remember falling “in love” with Jake Ryan, the tall, dark and handsome Senior in Sixteen Candles. Dorky Sophomore Samantha, played by Molly Ringwald, crushes on him and they end up together in the end. Jake actually ditches his popular prom-queen girlfriend for the awkward redhead and their love is consummated with a kiss over the glowing candles of her birthday cake.

To me, that was true love.

But in reality, this never would have happened. Samantha would have ended up with the over-eager Anthony Michael Hall and Jake would have continued dating cheerleaders.

My romantic vision of love has always been something like this: the handsome, cool guy who I fawn over but doesn’t give me much in return, finally realizes how much he loves me, how important I am in his life and how he can’t live without me. He proposes, we get married, have three beautiful children and Bob’s your uncle.

But the scenario usually goes a bit more like this: the handsome, cool guy who I fawn over continues to be cool towards me and the relationship, I end up heartbroken and he quickly moves on to the next girl in line.

I’ve turned down the Duckys and the Anthony Michael Halls in favour of the one who keeps me at arms length and who, in my fantasies, eventually shows up on my doorstep with a sparkly ring and a declaration of his undying love.

I’m old enough to know better yet I still get sucked in to this fantasy.

An article in the the Star today by Oakland Ross delves into the meaning of the word “love” as well as the meaning of love itself.

Ross points out that what we think of as “romantic love” is usually something more akin to infatuation. Love, says Toronto psychotherapist Lesli Musicar, is something that “evolves.”

“Rarely do we fall in love at the beginning,” Musicar says. “We don’t know the other person that well.”

Love is something that grows over time and is based on a level of commitment and intimacy.

Ross goes on to tell a story about a woman, who after being dumped by her boyfriend, moves to a new part of town to mend her heartbreak.

Her new neighbour asks her on a date, and although she’s not so interested, she agrees to go and continues to date him even though she’s not “in love” with him; she figures she’s got nothing better to do while she’s waiting for The One to come along.

They eventually move in together, years pass and one morning she wakes up early, stretches and looks over at her former neighbour lying in the bed next to her. For the first time, it dawns on her that he is actually The One that she’s been waiting for all along.

“Love doesn’t happen so much as it emerges,” Ross concludes in the article.

Point taken.

I think it’s time for this old broad to re-evaluate my idea of love and stop waiting for Jake Ryan to come along. He was pretty cute and had a cool car, but if the movie had continued I bet he would have dumped Samantha after the kissing-over-the-cake scene only to return to his lush-of-a-prom-queen girlfriend or the next flavour of the week.

Maybe what I’ve been hoping for and hanging on to all along, is not really love at all; maybe it’s time to kick my John Hughes fantasies to the curb for once and for all.

(No disrespect to the late director intended; I’ll always love those flicks and it’s probably good to awaken a dash of fantasy now and again!)

V-day doesn't have to be D-day

So friends, another Valentine’s Day approaches.

The one day of the year that it’s maybe not so cool to be single, but I’ve done my research and come up with a plan to get me through that is in line with my 5 goals:

1.       Be okay with being single- Instead of thinking about a partner this V-day, I have only myself to think about, so I will celebrate! My plan is that I’ll eat a lot of chocolate, because it makes me happy. I’m looking into where I can get a decently priced massage in the city, because I love a good massag. Maybe I’ll rent a favourite movie (Serendipity anyone?) and of course, make a favourite meal, how about a lobster tail or good cut of steak!

2.       Do more stuff- I don’t always want to put the pressure on myself to do more stuff. So maybe this V-day I will do less stuff. I want to focus on being good to myself and doing what I want to do. This means that I will have a relaxing day, thinking of things that I like to do and doing those things without feeling guilty. Most importantly, I will do less thinking about the fact that I’m single and more stuff to take care of myself and not worry about what else is going on around me.

3.       Work on my relationship skills- Well, I don’t know if much will get done in this department on V-day. But I do know, as far as anyone’s ever told me, that you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. So I guess in that way, if I’m working on loving myself, then I am in fact working on my relationship skills!

4.       Let it go- To be honest, last year at this time I was in a relationship, and it wasn’t such a great V-day anyway. It was a lot of effort on my part, without much effort or appreciation in return. At least in making the effort towards myself, I know that it will be appreciated. So I’m going to try to let go of any negative feelings or thoughts and also let go of the past and focus on the present. A good friend of mine always tells me that things work out the way they’re supposed to. When a relationship doesn’t work out, she reiterates the statement: “It worked out!” because that’s the way it was supposed to work out. So it all worked out.  Does that work out to make any sense at all?

5.       Spread the love- This is the most important goal this Valentine’s Day. It’s a time for love, whether it’s the romantic kind or family kind or anything in-between. I plan to focus on spreading the love. I’ve already sent off Valentine’s cards to my family (which I wouldn’t normally do!) just because I want to spread the love. Why not spread the love to family and friends this Valentine’s Day? There’s no sense in getting all grumpy and miserable about being single, I’ve got the time right now to spread the love to others in my life so that’s what I plan to do.

That’s all I have to say on the topic.

  

Happy Valentine’s Day friends.

Peace Out.